i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
