i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
