oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
