Just fell off a train. Bad.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize