Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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