What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
