tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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