I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
