What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
