I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
