i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
