I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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