we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
