he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
