You can't motorboat a personality
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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