Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
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