That's when you crack a 10am beer
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
