3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
