I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
