I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
