his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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