I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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