I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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