New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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