Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
