3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
After last night, I could never be a politician.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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