They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
