New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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