i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
