I will die if light touches me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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