Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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