No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
