Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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