she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
