i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
