He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
