I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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