the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm sobbing to NWA
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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