I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
