I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
