Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I queefed so loud it echoed.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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