Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
