I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
