It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
