So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
