The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
