I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
