i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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