when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
