Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
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