Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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