when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
