New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
