May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
