Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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