I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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