I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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